|Thursday, June 6th, 2013|
My partner Piers is going through a lot of shit right now.
He grew up with a mother with severe mental illness who totally messed with his head.
He was sent away to boarding school by his dad in an attempt to protect him which I think he interpreted as abandonment.
This year he started therapy to help deal with all these issues, which means he is a bit crazy at the moment.
Lots of stuff coming up for him which is impacting on his ability to function , study etc.
Understandably he needs a lot of support.
I am willing to be there for him, but I have to admit, it is really emotionally draining.
I intend to spend today writing and reading and doing stuff just for me.
|Wednesday, May 15th, 2013|
My life continues in its funny early retirement kind of way.
On the surface I have the life of a demure retired aunty.
I live with a family not my own. I walk dogs, do housework , potter about a bit.
I dabble with my writing and a bit of baking.
And then twice a week a young man comes over and we do hardcore S&M including lots of fire play, and I fuck him in the arse and he makes me come until my eyes roll back in my head.
And on the weekends I am his 'girlfriend' and we hang out with young people and go to parties and roller derby and movies and stuff.
Unsurprisingly I have a bit of an identity crisis.
My life is pleasant, but I do struggle with feeling like a failure , at the game of life, I mean.
I have no job.
I have no home of my own.
I don't have a long term partner
I have never managed to get a handle on my eating issues, so I have some obesity related health probs.
I don't feel like I contribute much to society.
I feel like I have wasted my intellectual gifts.
I was hoping to study Creative Writing and History, but found out that I can't cos I am not a citizen and so cant get HECS or FeeHelp.
I am trying to become a citizen but unfortunately my criminal record means I will probably be knocked back.
So all and all it is a mixed bag.
I kind of wonder where it will go from here...my life , I mean.
|Friday, January 18th, 2013|
I have put on a lot of weight lately.
It was weird the way it happened. It is as though i cant' see my body properly and so i dont notice the gradual gain.
Then one day the blinkers fall from my eyes and i see myself. Fuck ...what the fuck....how did I get so huge.
I hate my body. i know its not its fault. i feed it crap and it gains weight. Simple. But i still blame it.
And i feel so ashamed. So deeply deeply ashamed.
I feel that I have let myself down.
And i feel that I have let my partner down.
He loves me.....but he deserves something better than a fat loser who he must be secretly ashamed to be seen with in public.
I always suspected that grace felt the same. That although she loved me deeply, she wished for someone more glamorous.
My current boy has enough of his own shame and insecurity issues without being saddled with someone who is an embarassment.
Plenty of self hate to go around here today.
|Monday, November 26th, 2012|
|Things that are just not facebook safe.
1. I am struggling with some issues around loyalty and secret keeping. Especialy about my friend who is an IV drug user. I feel that a lot of the secrets I keep for her are really unsafe and enabling. But I also feel like I am betraying her trust if I tell anyone. I dont know if I am helping her to trash her life, or respecting her privacy. I feel conflicted and torn up about it. This stuff doesnt get easier with age, only more complex.
To make it worse, lots of the stuff I know is not because she confides in me, but because of what I observe that her partner and friends dont pick up on because they dont have my experience with drugs
2. My relationship is becoming increasingly complicated. The age difference means we are at a completely different life stage. I am starting to think about retirement and caring for my aged mother and brother. He is just starting to think about career and future. He is in the prime of his life. I am hitting menopause, with its accompanying reminders of a failing body and mortality. We are friends and lovers, but not really partners in the true sense of the word. I have been thinking about that more lately, about what it means to be partners. I think it means being a team, even though that is a really bloodless word. Some level of commitment to going forward together. At its worst an awful codependency that means that you can feel shackled to someone and dragged down by them (not my words, those of a friend whose relationship feels like that to her). At its best, it is you and me against the world, always having someone who is on your side, protecting each other, fighting for each other, having each others backs.Sometimes I miss that.
3. My living situation is challenging. I am never quite sure where I stand. Sometimes family, sometimes not. Not quite my home, but I have lots of responsibilities within it. I think it is probably always like this when you live with a couple. I am also thinking about what will happen at the end of next year when I leave. I love the dogs and they depend on me a great deal. It will be hard to leave them. And my relationship with the children will change again. My strange and special relationship with Joss is precious to me. He treats me like a cross between a pet, a playmate and a slave, but I adore him. Finn too. But I am feeling the pull of another life.
|Wednesday, July 18th, 2012|
Its funny how life turns out.
I chose not to have a family of my own, at least in part because I didnt want to be tied down to anyone. I had seen how my mother's love for my disabled brother had trapped her.
Now I find that I have built a trap for myself, not with biological family, but still based on love. That is the love for my ex Sam, the love of two little boys, the love of two silly beagles. I am tied to this life, at least for now. It is not a bad life. But it isnt the life I would have chosen for myself. I am not sure how to feel about it.For now I am just letting fate carry me along and I will see where I come ashore. I dont have any clear sense of where I want to be anyway.
|Saturday, July 7th, 2012|
|Something that makes me happy
I am half way through a novel that I am writing.
I have never gotten so far before.
The bins of the world are littered with my unfinished works.
This book is different.
I am persisting.
I am enjoying writing it.
I'm not afraid of it.
When it is finished I am going to set up a website and publish it privately.
Thank you Piers , for getting me writing again.
|Sunday, July 1st, 2012|
|Self censoring on facebook.
I realize I never write anything real anymore.
Hell I am not sure I even say anything real anymore.
The sad thing is a dont feel safe to say what I think and feel .
Everything is bottled up inside me.
I have lost my own life somehow, overwhelmed by other peoples needs and dramas.
At the same time, I am deeply lonely.
Somehow over time my circle of friends has dwindled away.
I have tried to rebuild those friendships but they were of a time and place that has passed.
I am isolated and my joie de vivre is slipping away.
I remember how I felt when I left prison. I was so serene and happy and grateful for every moment. I dont remember the last time I felt happy.
I still enjoy things, but in a strangely muted way.
There is a flatness to my emotions that is strange to me.
I get tired and bored easily.
I dont know what is wrong with me.
|Sunday, January 8th, 2012|
|Wednesday, October 26th, 2011|
Rediscovering my love of fire play.
When we first started playing it was a no go area for the boy, but since the trust has been built he has overcome his fears, and now he is finding out that he is a real slutty for the burny things.
Just basic alchohol wipes and a lighter have resulted in much horny fun.
Makes me happy.
|Friday, August 5th, 2011|
Well .....after weeks of house hunting, helping new housemates pack, moving , unpacking and settling in 2 adorable beagle pups ( Poppy and Alice ), life has settled back into whatever we call normal :)
I am living in Earlwood,in a lovely old brick and tile house with a big back yard.
My housemate Maria already has plans afoot for a vegie garden.
Piers is making himself at home and we are playing again ....yay!
I love Earlwood village with all the good delis and old nonnas.
Short walk to the Cooks River which always makes me happy.
Also enjoying SLP week! Cant do Inqui, cos of being cash strapped, but enjoyed Jon's fireplay workshop and the Artspace.
Only clouds on my horizon involve the peculiar behaviour of friends.
One seems bent on a path of self destruction. Feel helpless to dissuade her. Things cant go on like this much longer. Will be there to pick up the pieces but feel deeply saddened.
Other friend is very distant, which makes me sad. She has always been one of those people that falls in love with the new.Temporarily she will forget about all her old friends and be enraptured by something bright and shiny. Hate these phases and always tell myself that I will not be available the next time she 'has time for me.
But unfailingly I weaken cos she is deeply charming and such good company !
I am a bit of a pushover when it comes to putting up with bad behaviour. Sigh.
|Thursday, June 16th, 2011|
Homeless again :(
Trying to see it as a new beginning.
Hating the weather.
Boy gives me comfort and solace and good sex...but is not much practical help.
Wonder if I will ever work again ....and if I will ever feel in charge of my life again. Work stuff is complicated not just by criminal record and no references....but my back is so much worse.
I cant sit for more than an hour without a lot of pain.
Feeling sorry for myself today.
|Sunday, February 6th, 2011|
Didnt enjoy the Chamber much. I dont think I will go again. Way too Maledom oriented. Wish their were some more queer play parties. But caught up with some nice people and got to have the fun of taking Ms Mandy to her first ever kink party :)
|Thursday, January 6th, 2011|
I spent yesterday with the boy at his childhood home where he is housesitting while his parents are away.
He lived there his whole life until he was an adult and there are childhood toys and pictures on the wall of schooldays and such.
My life has been so different. I have lived in 26 houses in my life till now. My parents moved from Scotland to Africa to Australia and several times since. I didnt have any place that I call 'home'. And my mother is very unsentimental.
No saved childhood toys and only a few photos.
It made me feel slightly weird.
|Monday, December 27th, 2010|
|Good Xmas stuff
* Recieved a hex bug nano from the boys for Xmas, so that I could play too. They are soooo cute.
* Ria made spatchock and pork loin with cranberry and pistachio stuffing. Yummy goodness.
* Had Xmas drinks with the lovely Grace and her kinky crew. Special present for which I am truly grateful.
*Can still do handstands and somersaults in the pool....I now have ears full of water...shakes head.
*Got a gorgeous skull cameo from my special boy. I have lusted after it in Cabinet of Curiosities for a while. I will treasure it :)
|Thursday, December 23rd, 2010|
|Living in the bubble
Bit scared of the future at the moment.
Finding work, finding a new place to live after Easter.....just living.
Sometimes it all seems much harder than when I was a younger girl.
Right now everything is good.
I want to stay in this little bubble of safety and love and not face the big bad world.
|Wednesday, September 29th, 2010|
|Thursday, September 16th, 2010|
Went to the underground film festival on the weekend.
Got a day pass so we spent 8 hrs in the dark.
Saw Trash humpers....which was indescribable but had some amazing moments
Saw El Monstro del Mar which had a hot girl and hit all the B grade buttons although it could have benefited from tentacle porn.
Saw American: the Bill Hicks story...which was excellent
And saw Life and Death of a Porno Gang....which made me angry and sad and disappointed.
Must see more film.
|Monday, August 30th, 2010|
|Friday, August 13th, 2010|
|Tuesday, August 10th, 2010|
Have superglued my fingers togerher trying to attach tiny piece of pink feather boa to cock ring. I am a good mistress....just not very handy, LOL.